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Relationships
Married Corner (December 2008)
WHEN YOUR SPOUSE DOESN’T WANT
YOU ANYMORE
Love brings people together in
marriage to share their lives till death parts them. When
love weakens or dies, marriage dies. No man marries for
unhappiness, but for happiness. When that is not being
achieved, separation and divorce is contemplated. As a
result, many marriages break up before death separates them.
Living with a difficult partner is not an easy task. It is
painful, torturing, disheartening, sickening, and
depressing. It is indeed a difficult position to be.
When marriage becomes weighed
down by different challenges, negative emotions rise within
the participants in the relationship, and begin to eat deep
into them. If not checked and managed on time, the marriage
will break down under its weight. When one of the couple
begins to show signs that he or she is fed up with the
marriage and wants to quit, it complicates the matters and
makes it more difficult for the problems confronting the
marriage to be resolved.
1 Cor 7:10-11
10 To the married I give this
command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from
her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried
or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not
divorce his wife.
NIV
Many reasons are responsible for
married couples wanting to walk out on their marriage:
1. Fatigue
in trying to make their marriage work against all the
challenges that confront them.
2. The
presence of a new lover in the life of one of the couple.
3. Dwindling
finance, failed business, or bankruptcy of the breadwinner
in the family.
4. The
failing health of one of the couple.
5. Great
opposition and pressure from in-laws.
6. Interference,
misguidance, and manipulation by parents and family members
of one of the couple.
7. Wrong
influence from friends and associates.
8. Pride
in one of the couple as a result of promotions, growth of
business and steady upward movement in the
pursuit of career.
9. Stress
and depression.
10. Being
bullied or beaten up from time to time.
11. Unwillingness
of one of the couple to change a bad habit or character that
is hurting and offensive and irritating to the
spouse.
12. Bitterness
as a result of an offence or hurt suffered in the hands of
the spouse.
13. Lack
of sexual satisfaction from the spouse.
14. Inability
to conceive as a result of health or spiritual problems.
15. Inability
of husband to make wife pregnant.
16. Partisan
in handling the children.
17. Discovery
of the infidelity of trusted and loved spouse.
18. Too
much quarrel and misunderstandings over issues.
19. Satanic
spell and manipulation on the couple and their marriage.
You could be the one who is on
the receiving end in any of the above reasons. You still can
overcome and make your marriage work. Whatever be the
situation, God still want marriage vows to be kept till
death. You could be in a situation where your spouse doesn’t
love you anymore and all his or her words and actions reveal
a strong desire to leave your marriage. May be a big gap
already exist showing a breakdown of communication, or an
unwillingness of your spouse to communicate with you and
discuss whatever the concern may be. It may be that you are
already tired trying to get your spouse to respond to your
love and affection. It is indeed difficult to be in that
condition. I will like to share what a man or woman under
such condition should do.
What to do when you discover
that your spouse doesn’t want you anymore:
1.
Make a decision
not to allow the issue to weigh you down so much that you
can’t think straight.
Worry and anxiety beclouds a man’s mind, and makes it
difficult to make right decisions. Negative thoughts about
your marital situation will stifle right thinking, and make
it impossible for you to feel right and approach the
situation the best way. Negative thinking can affect your
health badly.
Prov. 27:19
19 For as in water face
answers to face, so the mind of man reflects the man.
RSV
Prov 4 :23
23 Be careful how you think;
your life is shaped by your thoughts.
GNB
2.
Make every effort
to get your spouse to open up again to you, discuss the
development, and mend fences.
Communication settles a lot of human problems. Many times,
there are misunderstandings and misconceptions of each
other’s words, intentions, moods, expressions and actions.
Communication exposes all these and resolves them. Dialogue
will greatly help your marriage overcome difficult times
like this.
3.
Get people you
know that your spouse respects to reason with him or her
with the aim of resolving the crisis and healing your
marriage. It is true
that many couples do not want third parties to come into
their marriage, but when situation gets out of hand and
marriage threatened, it becomes necessary that you invite a
close and wise friend of the family to intervene. A Pastor
or minister of the gospel or effective marriage counselor
can help at such a time, especially the one your spouse is
familiar with, listen’s to and can confide in.
Prov 11:14
14 Where no counsel is, the
people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is
safety.
KJV
4.
Go to God in
fervent and consistent prayers until your spouse turns a new
leaf. God is always
there for us when we need His help and cry to Him for
support and assistance. He will deliver you from all your
troubles. There is no marital challenge that God cannot
handle and solve for those who look to him. Change does not
come by fighting and quarreling, but by the working of God’s
Spirit. Give yourself to God in prayer for your spouse. Keep
praying until change occurs. If you want your spouse’s
attitude towards you to change for the better, spend quality
time daily to pray for your spouse and your marital
relationship. Prayer is effective when it is prayed in
faith. Do not allow yourself to be distracted when it
appears you are wasting your time praying and believing for
a change by the reason of your spouse words and behaviours.
Stay focused, and continue to pray in faith, and soon, you
will be celebrating.
1 Thess 5:17
17 Pray without ceasing.
KJV
5.
Encourage yourself
with the word of God by regularly reading and meditating on
the word of God, especially scriptures that speaks of God’s
abiding presence and commitment to your person and your
marriage. God’s word
gives strength and keeps a man focused in life. The word
serves as an encourager and a faith builder for the battles
of life. Spend time with it and allow it to make you strong
on the inside.
6.
Just as you
prepare for the best, so also prepare for the worst.
In case your efforts and
efforts of those you invited into the matter, did not yield
the positive result you anticipated, do not allow the
situation to put you in disarray. Prepare your mind to you
handle the situation without loosing your peace and getting
your life short down.
7.
Believe you can be
happy with or without your spouse.
You can make it in life without fail if only you will trust
the Lord and follow His guidance. If you do not open your
mind to negative and depressing thoughts over your marriage,
you will be happy and enjoy life and your career alone or
with another partner. Your life cannot close up simply
because you lost your marriage. That your wife or husband
does not want you anymore doses not mean your life is ended.
It is not ended until you throw in the towel and wish to
live no more.
8.
Believe, that your
spouse does not want you anymore, does not mean you are
useless to the world, or you can never be happy again in
your life. If you
don’t let your situation to take hold of you, you will
definitely be on top of the situation and make your life
worth living. It is true that love is not easy to let go and
bonding of a long period of time is not easy to break, you
have to detach mentally and emotionally to be able to enjoy
the rest of your life. I believe that when one door closes,
another door will open. Life must go on, and you must do
everything within your power to enjoy every minute of it.
You must learn how to make most of every opportunity.
9.
Believe, your life
does not end with the end of your marriage.
You are the one who makes life say yes or no to you. The
death of your love life with a particular person does not
mean the death of your person. As long as you can still
breathe, you can become anything you want to become, achieve
anything you want to achieve, have a new and rich rewarding
relationships, and be happy the rest of your life. Don’t end
your life with the end of your marriage.
10.
Keep your thoughts
pure and positive no matter how things turn out in your
marriage. Do not
become a sadist as a result of your broken heart. Do not
allow bitterness to settle in your heart, for it will
destroy you faster than the failed marriage will. Do not
allow your mind to dwell on things that can deepen the wound
in your heart, but dwell on thoughts that will help lighten
your heart and bring quick healing and recovery. Do not
allow your thoughts to make you hate people of the opposite
sex. Everybody is not the same. That your spouse
disappointed you does not mean all have disappointed you. Do
not see a gloomy future alone, but a beautiful future with
God on your side.
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1. Love
is the medicine that heals every wound. Apply it.
2. See
yourself in your spouse and your spouse in you. That is
God’s concept of oneness in marriage.
3. Secrecy
destroys trust. Without trust, marriage cannot work.
4. The
proof of love is the investment of time.
5. Submission
is a strengthener of love, while rebellion is a killer of
love.
6. Him
whom you submit to will love you more.
7. Love
is like wine, it intoxicates. Does your love for your spouse
intoxicate you? Measure it.
8. He
who speaks into your marriage programmes you for success or
failure.
9. Marriage
is all about relationships. Your family and neighbours are
schools of relationships. How well you do in these schools,
will determine how well you will do in your marriage.
10. Self-control
is a virtue you can’t do without in relationships. Develop
it.
11. Listen
to others when you talk.
12. Only
you can’t be wise, and every other person a fool
13. Feeding
your laziness with excuses is fatal. Watch it!
THE
CHEMISTRY OF EMOTIONS
Every human is designed to
have feelings for or against a fellow human,
circumstance or experience. Emotion is a reality in
everyone’s life. Emotion is strong feeling of any kind.
Emotion is the faculty that gives feelings to our
thoughts. Emotion according to Oxford dictionary is
stirring up, excitement, of the mind or (more usually)
the feelings. Emotion is the expression of inner
thoughts. Love is an emotion. Lust is an emotion. Strong
urge for sex is an emotion. Hatred is an emotion. All
emotion is directly linked to the thoughts of a man’s
mind.
Emotions have to do with
feelings, and feelings have to do with the
interpretations of the signals sent to the human brain
by the five physical senses: the sight (eyes), smell
(nose), hearing (ears), taste (tongue), and touch
(body).
Chemistry is the emotional
or psychological interaction between two people,
especially when experienced as a powerful mutual
attraction.
The mind controls and
influences our emotions. We react the way we think. Our
thought life determines how we react and behave towards
the things we see, hear and feel. It is essential that
all understand that what we feel inside for people whom
we meet or interact with is the result of our thoughts.
Every man feels the way he thinks. All emotions are the
creations of a man’s thoughts. Lust is basically
thoughts in manifestation. Lust does not come into a man
without the person thinking lustfully. The ‘eyes’ of man
is not the cause of lust. It is what a man thinks as he
sees what is before his ‘eyes’ that causes lust.
Sometimes, people say, they
cannot control what they feel inside for a girl they
just met. Soon after that, they start to describe how
beautiful she is, the physic, and other things that they
found attractive in the person they saw. There
description shows that they gave their minds to thinking
deeply about what they saw. This must have given rise to
the strong feeling they now possess inside for the
particular girl in question. Feelings don’t just come,
they are generated from thoughts.
Many young people today do
not understand the chemistry of emotions. They don’t
understanding why they feel the way they feel sometimes.
They battle with lust, immoral behaviours, despite the
fact that they are Christians and want to live a
committed life to Jesus Christ. The body changes that
humans experience as they come in close contact or
fellowship with people of the opposite sex, is the
reflection of the human thoughts.
Prov. 27:19
19 For as in water face
answers to face, so the mind of man reflects the man
NIV
The body changes you
experience are not accidents. The arousals you
experience are not accidents, but the manifestations of
your thoughts. Your moods are creations of your
thoughts. Excitement, joy, sadness, happiness,
enthusiasm, hatred, lust, love and any other emotions
are the reflections of your thoughts. Thoughts
influence, releases hormones in the body and regulate
and adjust the chemistry of the human body. It creates
desires, intensifies the desires and pushes a man to
pursue its actualization. Thoughts make one cheerful,
and in another moment, depressed. Feelings are not
constant because thoughts are not stable but changing.
In the same way a young man or girl’s feelings towards
the one that he or she is attracted to or in
relationship with, is subject to the prevailing thought
in his or her mind at a particular time and place.
Emotions are connected to
the human thoughts. There can be no emotions without
thoughts, and no change of emotions without a change of
thoughts. Actions are the result of volition or decision
based on thoughts that have been entertained. No matter
how fast actions or words may be manifested, thoughts
always give birth to them. All the touching, holding,
caressing or fondling and kissing that humans involve
themselves in are the result of thoughts running through
the mind of man. As these acts are practiced or
expressed, more thoughts are engaged in, which increases
the chemistry or hormone changes in the body. As you
understand this, you will better appreciate God’s
counsel to His children to guard their minds.
Prov 4:23
23 Above all else, guard
your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
NIV
Prov 4:23
23 Watch over your heart
with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of
life.
NAS
Prov 4 :23
23 Be careful how you
think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.
GNB
Prov 4:23
23 Guard your heart above
all else, for it determines the course of your life.
NLT
Your life is tied to your
daily thoughts. Your emotions are connected to your
thoughts. Your feelings reveal your thoughts, and they
motivate you to further thoughts and push you to act
them out. The result is immoral acts with the one you
admire or in relationship with. What you need in life is
to learn how to manage your emotions by managing your
thoughts, and making sure you give your mind only to
those things that are right so you can have the right
emotions. Never let emotions control you for you were
not designed to be ruled by emotions, but by the spirit.
Uncontrolled emotions will
lead you to sin. Uncontrolled emotions will not allow
you to know true love from fake love. Uncontrolled
emotions will not allow you walk with God perfectly.
Uncontrolled emotions will not allow you to see through
into people’s heart to know who they really are and if
they are worthy of your love or not. Uncontrolled
emotions will close your eyes to pitfalls that the enemy
will like you to fall into, but God will want to protect
you from. Uncontrolled emotions blind a man and do not
allow the man to think correctly and in line with God’s
word. Never let emotions rule you, but rule your
emotions by controlling you thoughts which is the source
of all emotions.
CONCLUSION
Always remember that your
body chemistry changes based on your prevailing
thoughts. Whatever you feel towards the opposite sex is
the creation of your thoughts. If it is good and pure,
to God be the glory, but if it is not pure, then, get
rid of it. Never fan the flames of lust, for it will
destroy you. Don’t give your mind to thoughts that will
build desire for illegal sex. Pre-marital sex is evil in
the sight of God. He forbids it. So keep away from it.
Always remember that sex is in the mind. It is a mind
thing. If you don’t think it, you won’t desire it. If
there is no desire, there will be no pursuit. If there
is no pursuit, there will be no act.
You can control your
emotions by controlling your thoughts. Every child of
God has got self-control in his spirit. Let it out. Let
self-control manifest in your life always. It can only
manifest when you make up your mind to kill wrong
emotions and feed on thoughts that will create right
emotions that will keep you from immoral sins and other
kinds of sins. Keep your mind on God and His word and
you will be pure. The Psalmist said that the only way
for a young man can keep himself pure is to accept and
store God’s word in his heart. Do it, and you will be
glad you did.
Ps 119:9-11
How can a young man keep
his way pure?
By living according to
your word.
10 I seek you with all my
heart;
do not let me stray from
your commands.
11 I have hidden your
word in my heart
that I might not sin
against you.
NIV
Make friends with the word
of God and let it rule your thoughts and life. Be
careful how you think for your life is shaped by your
thoughts. Your emotions are shaped by your thoughts.
To keep
your mind from unnecessary pressures to lust or desire
sex, keep away from pornography of all kinds, and erotic
music. Do not read materials that will fill your mind
with thoughts of sex. Do not use your own hand to set
yourself on fire of lust. Help yourself to be free so
you can manage the thoughts that association and
situations present to you only
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