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Relationships
Married Corner (May
2010)
TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR MARRIAGE
Marriage is an exciting
relationship filled with many up and down experiences. It is
a blend of fun, laughter, joy, anger, sadness and mixed
reactions just as in any other kind of relationship. All who
go into marriage do so expecting the best out of it. The
unmarried look forward to it with great expectation,
ironically, some of those in it are seeking for a way out of
it through the divorce window, and in some cases, death.
Whatever the experience of many marriages may be, marriage
is still a good and exciting relationship worthy to be
entered into with faith and a pure heart of love.
The truth is that each couple at
the end of the day, are the determinant factors in their
marriage experience. It is how you make your bed that you
lay on it. It is the decisions you make and the values you
choose to live by, the thoughts you think as events unfold
in your marriage, and whose advice you work with that
determine the experience of your marriage.
This is why I advise you to take
charge of your marriage from day one. You are the decision
maker, and every other person including your precious
parents and close friends and confidants you have known all
your adult life are advisers. Even God cannot force you to
obey His teachings and principles for successful marriage
that you have been painstakingly taught.
Deut 30:15-20
15 See, I set before you
today life and prosperity, death and destruction. 16 For I
command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in his
ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you
will live and increase, and the LORD your God will bless you
in the land you are entering to possess. 17 But if your
heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are
drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, 18 I
declare to you this day that you will certainly be
destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are
crossing the Jordan to enter and possess. 19 This day I call
heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set
before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose
life, so that you and your children may live 20 and that you
may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold
fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you
many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers,
Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
NIV
STEPS TO TAKING CHARGE OF
YOUR MARRIAGE
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Decide today to succeed in your marriage though you
may have seen many fail.
Every success starts with a firm
decision to succeed no matter the odds that will come ones
way. Many have succeeded, and many have also failed. Decide
to be among the successful. You may have seen many failed
marriages, decide your own won’t be like that. You may have
heard many sad and terrifying stories about the experiences
of many in marriage, decide your won won’t be like that.
Decide your marriage will be an improvement of that of your
parents and family members. Decide that you will pay the
price for success to be attained. Decide that your marriage
will be an example for others on what Christian marriage
should be. Make up your mind to swallow and bear any pain to
make your marriage peaceful and successful. Make that
decision now.
Mark 9:23
23 "`If you can'?" said
Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
NIV
Phil 4:13
13 I can do everything
through him who gives me strength.
NIV
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Decide to build your marriage on God’s principle for
successful marriage and parenting.
God is the author of marriage
and has the principles for successful marriage and
parenting. You cannot know more about marriage than the
author of marriage himself. To build your marriage outside
of God’s principles in His word is invitation to avoidable
troubles that will break down your marriage. Live within the
boundaries of God’s word. Stay in your God-given positions
of leadership and submission for peace to reign in your
home. Live by the promises of God in every area of life.
Matt 7:24-27
24 "Therefore everyone who
hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is
like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain
came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat
against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its
foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these
words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a
foolish man who built his house on sand . 27 The rain came
down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against
that house, and it fell with a great crash."
NIV
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Leave your families and
cleave to each other.
Cleaving to family and friends
rather than spouse is the reason why many marriages have
been destroyed. The biblical injunction to leave family and
cleave to your spouse must be obeyed with the whole heart if
success is to be attained. “Manhood” and “womanhood” mean
that one is mature to make his or her own decisions. Leaving
family and cleaving to spouse means independence from family
and that you don’t allow family to determine or dictate what
happens in your home. They don’t push you around. They don’t
make decisions for you.
Gen 2:24
24 For this reason a man will
leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and
they will become one flesh.
NIV
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Do not allow others make your decisions for you.
To succeed, you must have a mind
of your own - you make your own decisions. Your friends
shouldn’t be doing your thinking for you or making decisions
for you. Your mum, dad, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts or
family members should not think for you or make decisions
for you. Every person in your lives are advisers, and you
are the decision maker. You listen to everyone talk and you
choose what to do with what you have been advised. And
whatever decision you take, you will be responsible for it
and not the one who suggested it.
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Be prepared to take responsibility for all your
decisions and actions, responses and reactions to
situations and circumstances.
For your marriage to succeed,
you will have to own up to your choices, decisions, actions,
reactions and words. If you are man enough to say or do
something, you must be man enough to accept responsibility.
Many crises in homes are as a result of refusal to admit
fault, apologize and correct the error done. If you want
peace in your home, you have no choice but to own up if
failure occurs, evil experienced, or trouble comes up as a
result of the words you have spoken and steps taken.
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Change where and when necessary. Drop all evil habits
and character that causes your partner pain and
depresses your marriage.
Refusal to change an evil habit
and character that hurts your spouse is sickening and
wicked. It is in fact a display of lack or true love. If you
love your spouse and desire a peaceful and successful
marriage, you need to shed old leaves. You need to drop evil
habits and character that hurt your spouse and put a strain
on your marriage.
-
Determine to become better by the day and improve
your communication and relationship skills to enhance,
strengthen and stabilize your marriage.
Success is progressive. It is
not a onetime act. To succeed requires progressive acts to
improve your person and become better. Dropping wrong
manners, habits and character and taking on good ones will
enhance your marriage. Making daily improvements will
guarantee stability and success of your marriage. So go to
work on yourself now.
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Be careful whom you share your marital challenges
with, and whose and what advice you follow.
Everyone counseling you is
directing your life and moving you towards their perceived
good end and desire for you. They are directing your life,
putting words in your mouth, stirring your emotions,
provoking you and causing you to take actions that sometimes
you may regret. So you must be careful who you share your
thoughts, feelings and marital experience with. Most
importantly, you must be careful whose advice you follow.
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Live by faith and believe the best will happen to you
in your marriage.
2 Cor 5:7
7 We live by faith, not by
sight.
NIV
Life is a faith journey. But
faith has to be placed on the right person and promises. God
is the only true person worthy of trust. His words never
fail to come to pass. Live your marital life in faith,
trusting that God will bless your marriage and help you make
it successful. As you build on the word of God, have faith
that He will help you overcome every challenge that will
come up in your marriage. You will always overcome in
partnership with Him.
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Trust God through prayer, fellowship with him and the
practice of His word in all things and at all times.
Prayer changes things and make
things work well. Your marriage needs daily trust in God
through heartfelt daily prayers. God hears and answers
prayers when men pray to Him. When a problem shows up, go to
God in prayers and He will intervene and it will be well
with you. Pray and never get tired of praying. Do not just
pray because you need His help, but draw near in true and
intimate relationship with God. Both of you need to maintain
an intimate relationship with God. This will guarantee
answers to your prayers and daily support from God which you
need very much to succeed in your marriage.
Conclusion
Marriage is what you make of it.
Your experience in marriage is the result of the collection
of choices you make on a daily basis as event unfolds. You
need to take charge and make sure you put measures in place
that will make you succeed. What you do with all you have
been taught so far on marriage especially this message will
determine the shape and direction of your marriage.
Remember to guard your mind
daily against negative thoughts towards your spouse and
marriage. Never forget that your thoughts determine how you
feel, speak and respond or react to people and situations.
Be careful how you think for your life is shaped by your
thoughts. Your marital life is shaped by your thoughts
towards God’s word, your spouse, yourself, in-laws,
possessions, and happenings around you. Think positively.
Think based on the word of God.
Prov 4 :23
23 Be careful how you think;
your life is shaped by your thoughts.
GNB
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1.
Marriage connects you to the family your spouse comes from
whether you like it or not. You need their friendship, love
and acceptance. And they need yours. Let’s give it and
receive it and all marriage will always be exciting.
2.
If you relate with me with a biased mind, you will never get
to know who I am and how lovely and sweet I can be. You will
always see me and assess me based on what you have heard or
read, so you can never make a good judgment of my words,
actions, responses and person.
3.
No
one quarrels all by him or herself. It takes two to do that.
It is not right to believe you are without a fault, that it
is only your spouse and in-laws that have problem.
4.
Friendship with your spouse is what you need to keep your
relationship intimate and exciting.
5.
Love is a fire that is fueled by positive thoughts about
the one you love. The stronger the thoughts the stronger the
love.
6.
Negative thoughts about your spouse kills love and
generate dislike and hatred, which will definitely kill your
marriage.
7.
Focusing
on the things you dislike in your spouse’s life and his or
her weaknesses, weaken love and trust and reduce the
capacity to get along well and make the marriage crisis
free.
8.
It takes faith to fall in love, and faith to keep the love
alive and bubbling despite all the undesirables and
despicable things you will see and experience.
9.
Keep faith alive for your marriage will be as you dreamed
it will be if you don’t give up, and keep working at it.
10.
Trust is not easy to build in a man’s heart for another,
but very easy to destroy. When destroyed, it is very
difficult to rebuild. Never give your spouse the reason to
distrust you and destroy the trust and confidence reposed
on you.
UNDERSTANDING MARRIAGE
It is important that singles
desiring to go into marriage have an understanding of
God’s original concept of marriage and principles for
successful marriage, so that success will be attained in
marriage and God’s name glorified. In this study we are
going to look at this subject hoping that you will gain
insight and work with it.
Marriage is a part of normal
life. Marriage consists of the blending of the lives of
two individuals. Marriage is the most intimate of all
human relationships. It even takes precedence over the
relationship between parent and child – Gen 2: 24.
Marriage is so bound up with
life that it becomes logically the most important and
the most significant of all the human relationships,
second only to the relation between the human being and
Deity (God).
The marriage relationship is
so much a part of life that success in life often
depends upon success in marriage. If marriage is
successful, life is full and complete, if marriage
fails, life is dwarfed and crippled.
Marriage is the oldest human
institution. It is older than the Church or human
government. Marriage is the nucleus of the society and
nation. If it fails, the society will fail. If marriage
fails, it affects the church, the society and nation.
This is the reason why the devil is putting up a serious
fight against marriages. Ignorance of the purpose and
the secrets of successful marriage has aided the devil
in wrecking marriages and the larger society.
Marriage is for a lifetime -
husband and wife are bound together as long as they
live. It is a serious affair; one therefore requires
knowledge and understanding of what marriage is, before
going into it. And if you have gone into it, you need to
be properly informed to be prosperous in it. And that is
what we want to achieve through this study.
DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
Dictionary: -
The legal union of a man and
woman as husband and wife. The union of a man and woman
by a ceremony in law.
Bible:
1. Marriage
is a divine covenant of God -
Mal 2:14
2. Marriage
is a miraculous union of a man and a woman into one body
- Gen 2:23-24; Eph 5:28-33;
Prov 30:18-19
3. It is a
life-long union - Till death do they part -
1 Cor 7:39; Rom 7:2
Separation is
discouraged and divorce not permitted for Christians -
Mal 2:13-16; 1 Cor 7:10-11
4. Marriage
is two people sharing their lives together in perfect
love intimacy and trust in one another.
The union is wonderfully, perfectly, strongly,
permanently and lovingly interwoven that even God
himself does not want to break any marriage, and does
not encourage anybody to break any -
Mark 10:5-12; Matt 19:4-9
IMPORTANT TRUTH ABOUT
MARRIAGE
1.
God
did not plan marriage to be between a man and many
women, or a woman and many men. His plan is one man one
wife (Monogamy and not polygamy) -
Matt 19:4-6; Gen 2:24
2.
Marriage was designed to produce godly offspring –
children within a marriage and raised by both parents in
the fear of God. Marriage was designed for
responsibility for the children of their sexual
relationship - Mal 2:15; 1 Cor
7:12-14
3.
Marriage was designed to create a family setting where
children will be trained to know and love God,
understand life and the basic principles of successful
living, become faithful witness for Jesus Christ,
understand purpose and trained to fulfill purpose and to
the building and administering of their nation and the
world in general. As a result -
Prov 22:6
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The family is the first
school of relationship every human has.
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What happens in the
family manifests in the larger society.
-
The values formed in the
family is what each person takes into the larger
society and lives by.
-
Any child spoilt by his
family will definitely live a spoilt life, but, any
child well trained will live like a well trained
person.
-
They say, ‘Charity
begins at home’.
PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE
1.
Companionship:
- For a man to have a companion, and a helper suited to
his needs according to the purpose of God for his life -
Gen 2:18; Eccl 4:9-12
a.
They share
their lives together.
b.
They are
each other’s prayer partners and the first among prayer
partners.
c.
They are
open to one another. They keep no secrets.
d.
They plan
and execute their plans together.
e.
They share
their ministry together.
f.
They
understand one another so much as to trust one another,
and to speak for one another. (They have one
mind).
g.
They love
and fellowship with one another.
h.
They share
their sorrows, pains, Joy and successes together.
i.
They
encourage and uphold one another.
j.
They sow
and build together. They reap and enjoy together.
k.
They raise
and train their children together.
l.
They fight
their battles together.
m.
They care
for one another.
n.
They are a
team bonded together by love.
2.
a. To provide security
both emotional and financial. Of the two types,
emotional security is of greater importance to the
integrity of the home.
It is the natural craving
for emotional security that impels young men and women
toward marriage who would not have gone into marriage
because of the obligations and responsibilities involved
in marriage. Emotional security comes from being able to
confide in a husband or a wife and expect his/her
partner to be impartial and unprejudiced, as he or she
shares the problems and anxieties of the moment.
b.
Marriage also provides emotional and financial security
for the children who come into a home. When a child
feels secure within his own home, his character and
personality will develop symmetrically (emulating their
parents) in spite of unfavorable external influences.
c.
Another connection in which marriage should provide
security is with relation to the uncertainties of old
age. Marriage provides a family setting in which grown
children properly assume the obligations, which the
scriptures enjoin in the matter of caring for aged and
feeble parents.- 1 Tim 5:4
3.
To provide the spiritual and cultural growth of
all members of the family. The family is the structural
unit of the community and of the nation. The spiritual
and tenor of the community is an average of the families
that make up the community.
4.
One other purpose or function of marriage is the
development and build up of good character in the
children that make up the family. The generation of and
distribution of those ideals of personal responsibility
and participation, which provides the backbone of
civilization of the society -
Prov 22:6
5.
Pro-Creation: To be fruitful, increase
and multiply through child bearing -
Gen 1:28
And through it subdue
the earth - Gen 4:1; Ps 127:3;
Ps 128:3; Gen 9:1
6.
Chastity: To prevent fornication and also be free
from the fire of lust - 1 Cor
7:2-9; 1 Thess 4:3-8; Prov 5:15-20
Marriage is to satisfy
biological desires in man. Man is born with certain
desires that are good, holy and legitimate (e.g. sexual
desires), but can only be satisfied in marriage.
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